A Letter

Dear Jason Mesnick,
Where do I begin? Is “you’re an asshole” too much to start out with? Ok, ok, I’ll be a little nicer. No cursing allowed.

Let me start by telling you that you pretty much had all of us (and by “us” I mean every woman in America) fooled into thinking you were Mr. Nice Guy. You’ve got that whole dark haired, tanned skin thing going for you, you’re a single dad with a cutie patootie little boy, and our hearts went out to you when watched your heart get broken by that gosh awful DeAnna on The Bachelorette. I sort of wish you would’ve just gone on with your life, and left me wondering, “Whatever became of that great guy on The Bachelorette, the one with the adorable son? I’m sure someone snatched him up by now, and they’re living happily ever after in Seattle.” But, no. No, Jason, you had to go and become The Bachelor…and Mr. Nice Guy went out the da, er, darn window.

I mean for these next statements to be helpful, ok? Ok, here goes. You, Mr. Mesnick, cry entirely too much. Seriously, you cried or made a face like you were on the verge of tears during every episode. I like a man who is in touch with his feelings, but you might need some form of antidepressant. Moving right along, I think you could rethink your shirt/tie/suit combinations. Someone over there at ABC should’ve been able to help you out with this. Also, you say the word “amazing” constantly. Please learn to use it more sparingly, you know, like you would cayenne pepper. Not everything is amazing, and not every woman is amazing, ok? If she is so freaking amazing, why did you send her home? Lastly, I’m going to need you to stop proposing to women. Why don’t you date them before you ask them to be with you forever? I know it sounds crazy, but give it a whirl.

Now, I know it seems like the whole country is up in arms about you breaking off your engagement on national television, and I’m not going to lie to you, Jase. The whole country is up in arms about it. If polled, I’d bet you all the money in my wallet (or someone else’s, as I don’t really carry cash around) that Bush’s approval rating is higher than yours. So, if I were you – I’d watch my back. You and Molly will most likely be booed everywhere you go, so you might want to subscribe to Netflix for a while. It’s generally not a good idea to tell the girl who you asked to be your wife that it’s not working out and then make out with another girl 5 seconds later. Even for those of us who liked Molly, who rooted for Molly, who thought she was cuter than Melissa…it’s just too much. We’re “Team Melissa” now, Jason. And we have you to thank.

Give my best to Ty Ty, and please go away after this.
Love,
M