My Dog Is Funnier Than Jay Leno

I’m going to take that title a step further. My dog’s water bowl is funnier than Jay Leno. Anyone who has discussed this topic with me knows my strong feelings of disdain for Leno. I won’t bore you with my usual rant on him, but it goes a little something like: He has never once made me laugh. Not one single time have I tuned in and laughed at anything the “comedian” has said. Simply put, I have laughed more at Alex Trebek than Jay Leno.

Side note: One time Ben told me he liked Leno, and I almost ended our relationship. True story. If you don’t see eye-to-eye on Letterman vs. Leno, what chance do you have? He doesn’t watch Leno in my presence, though, so we’re good now.

Given my thoughts on Jay Leno, you can imagine how happy I was when Conan O’Brien took over The Tonight Show. Finally, NBC had a Tonight Show host that the late Johnny Carson would approve of. Then, Leno was given the 10:00 time slot every night for a new show. The thought crossed my mind that someone at NBC had it out for me, but as Leno’s new show started to tank in the ratings, I thought all was right with the world. Now, that SOB has stolen The Tonight Show from someone again (Google: Letterman vs. Leno feud), and my blood pressure is up.

Jay Leno should be ashamed of himself. He’s a back stabbing, money grubbing, ridiculously corny, washed up, has-been. If NBC makes him The Tonight Show host again, I hope Conan O’Brien gets his revenge the old fashioned way…by switching to a different network and kicking their a**es in the ratings. Whew, I feel better.

If you haven’t seen the statement from Conan O’Brien, please read it. It’s classy. It’s funny. It’s genius. And, it makes me want to knock a few NBC executives out cold. I’m pretty sure that’s what Conan was going for.

Statement from Conan O’Brien
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.
Yours,
Conan