The offender: Kristen Stewart

The item(s) in question: Dress, shoes and hair, worn at the the premiere of Eclipse.

My thoughts: To be fair, Kristen Stewart and everything “Twilight” related makes me want to vom. So, it’s probably accurate to say that I’ve been waiting for her to give me a reason to blast her on the world wide web. And, look what she did! She gave me a reason, bless her heart, so here goes: That dress is beyond hideous. It looks like she took an abominable snowman costume, chopped off the legs and one of the arms, and decided to call herself a designer. And, while I appreciate that she is attempting to look happy (the girl is seriously melancholy in every interview I’ve ever seen or read…gosh, it must be SUPER depressing to be a rich and famous actress), the forced smile isn’t helping the outfit.

The solution: A new stylist, from head (my hair looks better after being on the beach all day) to toe (those shoes match her flesh). Oh, and some anti-depressants, because we’re all over the “woe is me, I’m so famous that I can’t lead a normal life” bullsh*t. If you don’t want paparazzi to stalk you, here’s a suggestion: STOP being in MOVIES.

Did I mention that I don’t care for her?

Every time I start to begin a sentence with “My ex-husband,” I delete it. In my head it comes out with a deep South Georgia accent, and I just can bear to sound like someone on an episode of Cops. (Although I’m fairly certain that South Carolina appears more often than Georgia does, now that I think about it.)

At any rate…

The guy whom I was formerly married to mentioned that he recently began a new job and started seeing someone. (I will not reveal how old he told me she was, but I will tell you that she is somewhere in between 22-24, and that I’m real, real tired of women being called “cougars” and men being told “well done.”) When I told him I was happy for him, he said, “Was that a sarcastic ‘happy’?” Without skipping a beat, I replied, “No. I want you to be happy and successful in life. Just not too much.”

I said it without thinking, really, and he laughed – which was a relief. Because y’all…I mean that. Call me a bitch (if you must), but while I want him to achieve great things and live a wonderful life – I don’t necessarily want him to be the next Bill Gates.

I’m just sayin’.

Read this. I like her. I really, really like her.

Don’t you hate it when a movie that you love comes on television just as you are about to call it a night? Enter Bridget Jones’s Diary last night. Consequently, I’m sipping Diet Coke number three today because I just had to stay up for my favorite part.

My favorite part, of course, is when Mark Darcy tells Bridget that, despite her many flaws and quirks, that he likes her…just as she is. Sigh. It’s my opinion that the “just as you are” concept is the stuff that love (and like) is made of. Not romantic dinners out, flower deliveries, trips, etc. (Although, I will keep it real here, those things do help.) It’s about seeing the other person for who they are – who they truly are – and loving them for that. If you can do that, surely you can make it through most anything. Surely.

The scene:

Bridget Jones: “Look, are you and Cosmo in on this together? Because every time I see you, you seem to go out of your way to make me feel like a COMPLETE idiot. And you really needn’t bother: I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway.”

Mark Darcy: “I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother’s pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever’s in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences…But the thing is, um, what I’m trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you.”

Bridget Jones: “Apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and…ah, the verbal diarrhea.”

Mark Darcy:
“No. I like you very much. Just as you are.”

Last Thursday night was Book Club night. We had an Italian themed spread with prosecco to boot. We ate, we drank, we laughed. We discussed the book, our failed relationships, our amazing relationships and many other things. (I think book club is sort of like therapy for me, especially in discussing this particular book.) As the conversation was winding down (and the tiramisu was being devoured), we discussed one last thing: What three countries we’d travel to if we had a year (and the funds) to do so.

For someone who is a bit of a travel junkie, this was a dangerous thing to participate in. I don’t mean to trivialize addiction(s), but for me, talking about traveling is like blowing cigarette smoke into the face of someone who is a former smoker. It makes me want to max out a credit card, turn in a leave slip…and board a plane. I wish they made a patch for this.

Back to the question. Where would I go? Spain, Italy and Ireland. Among the other responses were Egypt, Ecuador, France and Greece. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I either need to find work with a travel magazine, or set my DVR to record the travel channel nonstop.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment (and sticking with the Eat, Pray, Love theme of one year and three countries), where would you go?

• Does anyone else have a major girl crush on Bethenny Frankel? (She makes me laugh out loud.)
• Does anyone else eat more during the summer and less during the winter?
• Does anyone else think that birthday calls are still required by close friends? (Facebook and emails are nice, but I still prefer a call.)
• Does anyone else have a ridiculously messy purse?
• Does anyone else wonder who falls for the ‘debt consolidation’ commercials?
• Does anyone else have friends who have a little too much to drink at a wedding and knock someone over on the dance floor? (If not, you should get some.)
• Does anyone shop online and then not follow through with the purchase? (I would save more time driving to the store and trying the item on.)
• Does anyone else watch The Rachel Zoe Project and admit it out loud?
• Does anyone else wish football season would take a little longer to get here?
• Does anyone else loathe car shopping?
• Does anyone else decide what they are wearing that day while in the shower?
• Does anyone else skim the newspaper but read US Weekly or other celeb gossip websites intently?
• Does anyone else feel guilty for using their car horn? (It just seems so rude.)

This morning at 10:47am, my niece arrived. She came early, which is not like our side of the family at all. We’re hoping that she continues this trend throughout her life.

She came via c-section, and it’s a good thing, too. Our little bundle weighed in at a little over 9 pounds and is 22 inches long.

The new grandparents, other aunt and I watched her the entire time she was in the nursery, marveling over how she moved her arms and sucked her hand, chuckling at her angry protest against her first bath, and proudly pointing her out to fellow onlookers who asked, “Which one is yours?”

Seeing my brother walk out with her in his arms ranks up there in my favorite moments ever lived. I will remember it always.

So, here she is, y’all – hands out of her “burrito wrap” because she cries when they’re confined:

Happy Birthday!

No, you’re not at the wrong blog. I decided to gussy this one up because I was in the mood for a little change in my life. My mama just breathed a sigh of relief that I decided to look for “change” via this blog and not via my hair.

Plus, it was time. This blog was looking a little dated – and looking dated is my new worst nightmare. (Nowadays I look around at a party/wedding/shower/what-have-you and breathe a sigh of relief if I “blend in” with the 20-somethings. I don’t want to look just like them, mind you, just not too unlike them.)

I’m currently waiting on my friend Cecilia to text me and call me “fancy pants.”

Mondays can be pretty tough to take. I woke up snarling, but luckily my friend Anna Beth sent me the link to Awkward Family Photos (.com). It (and she!) have made my day instantly better.

I laughed out loud at the engagement ones, gagged a few times at the pregnancy ones, but my favorites were in the section called, “The Family Portrait.” I feel so much better about my family now.

Enjoy.

yay for:
lunch plans with lauren g. at the rooster’s beak
pretty polish on my nails and toes
the heater under my desk
hosting a shower and attending a wedding this weekend
fun neighbors at home and work
a straight hair day
hearing this song in my car this morning
retractable sharpies
this being the last week before my niece arrives
a new calendar so i’ll know where to be when
making fun photos on befunky.com
free coke products at work – they increase my productivity
pay.day.