I swear it’s like I blinked…and it was the middle of May.

I want to stop living my life in fast forward. Lately, I feel like I do is “go, go, go” and before I know it, another month has passed. A month has passed and I’ve put off doing things I should have done. What if this were my last month?

What would I regret not doing?

Having lunch with my dad, catching up with friends, seeing things I haven’t seen before, seeing things (and people) again that I love seeing, showing my family how much they mean to me, having a picnic, being lazy, counting stars, looking at old pictures, submitting a writing sample to a magazine, shopping with my mom, watching movies, reading, being more spiritual, telling people I love that I love them, helping people that aren’t as fortunate as I am…to name a few.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
-Sydney Smith

What would you regret not doing? Let’s get to doing those things, then, shall we?

Holy Inappropriateness. Did you guys see this?

I was on many a dance team when I was a youngster, but we danced to songs like Pink Cadillac (Natalie Cole) or Kokomo (The Beach Boys). The most controversial thing we did was wear grass skirts over our dance uniforms.

I’m glad I was a child back when kids could still be kids.

Ladies, allow me to caution you about a trend that is sweeping the nation known as: the romper.

This isn’t your 5th grade romper. Sure, they can be sexy, fun and adorable – but please proceed with caution. I will take this opportunity to confess that I purchased a romper a few weeks ago…and returned it two days later. I tried it on multiple times, but one question kept popping into my head: Where in the world would I, at 30 years old, wear a romper?

Out to dinner? Probably not. To a concert? Nah. The only “yes” answer I could come up with involved a scenario where I just-so-happened to get invited to a party with the cast of The Hills. So back to the store it went.

If you look fabulous in one and can pull it off, by all means, rock it. But if you look more like this, than this, please don’t.

Such a cool commercial:

“If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There’s nothing to it”

Dear Jesse James,
First of all, is that your real name? I Googled it, and apparently it is – but every time I hear it, I sing that Cher song in my head, so it’s hard to take you seriously.

When Sandra Bullock married you a few years back, I was confused. I mean, I guess you have that whole “bad boy” thing going for you, but let’s face it: Sandy used to date Matthew McConaughey. You, JJ, are no McConaughey. Eventually, though, you won me over as the converted bad boy turned devoted husband and father. I watched you on The Celebrity Apprentice and I found myself rooting for you, especially when you sat Dennis Rodman down and attempted to get him into rehab. I thought, “That Jesse James is a pretty good guy.”

Well. Perhaps you should have been the one nominated for an Oscar.

Listen Jesse, I’m going to tell you what everyone else on Earth is thinking: You screwed up. You screwed up big time. You know how people always give the unlikely statistics that one will win the lottery? Well, you did – once. And you went and threw it all away for some woman who goes by the name “Bombshell.” Beautiful, philanthropic, Academy Award winning actress….or racist stripper? Good choice, Jesse.

Please start reevaluating the choices you make, starting with your hair.
Love,
M

The stages of life, according to my friend via Blackberry Messenger:

Friend: So far, here are my life stages
Friend: High School
Friend: College
Friend: Weddings
Friend: Babies
Friend: Funny enough, I am neither married nor do I have a baby…
Friend: But I have entered into the “baby shower” period of my life.
Friend: I know I fussed about the “weddings” period, but at least we could get drunk and make bad decisions at those…baby showers just aren’t as exciting.

Reading my friend’s hilarious “stages of life” message got me to thinking about how these stages come and go so quickly. I’ve been in a lot of weddings (like a whole lot, y’all), and now I’m starting to attend lots of baby showers. My friends who aren’t currently pregnant are talking about being pregnant. Yikes. When did this happen? I feel like the baby phenom has snuck up on me.

What’s next? Menopause?

Americans love some Cinco de Mayo. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to find margarita salt on Cinco de Mayo, but…it ain’t easy. I went to three liquor stores. I haven’t done that since 2003. Ok, 2004.

At any rate, this seems like the perfect opportunity to tell you guys that in a month, I’ll be looking sipping authentic margaritas in Mexico!

Un vacaciones con mi novio. Yes, please.

• Does anyone else not watch Lost or Dancing with the Stars?
• Does anyone else wonder if it’s this hot in May, what will it be like in August?
• Does anyone else get their fingernails painted and not remove it until it is badly chipped?
• Does anyone else make themselves invisible on gchat?
• Does anyone else wonder why flooding isn’t covered in home insurance?
• Does anyone else think that Heidi on The Hills is beginning to look like a lion?
• Does anyone else get annoyed when teachers start the countdown to Summer on facebook?
• Does anyone else have a framed 5×7 of their dog on their desk?
• Does anyone else talk to their mom on the phone for at least 30 minutes a day?
• Does anyone else gag at the thought of orange jello?
• Does anyone else think that there should be more occasions where women get dressed up and wear hats? (Thanks, Kentucky Derby.)
• Does anyone else have a dog who hides treats all over the house? Even in shoes?
• Does anyone else dance around in their car to this song every time they hear it?

Yesterday after attending a baby shower in my hometown, I gave my dad a call to see if he wanted to visit with me. He told me to come to the Dollar General, where he was shopping. Yes, y’all – the man loves him some Dollar General. He’s always telling me to buy deodorant or “washing powder” at the DG. “They have the same name brands for a lot less,” he reminds me, and then asks, “Do you shop there?”

I say yes to avoid any further discussion on the Dollar General.

Anyway, when I pulled up at the store, he had something in his hand. A gift? How fun! As he approached my car, however, I realized that this wasn’t a fun gift. It was bug spray.

Did you know that bug spray (wasp spray, to be exact) can be used to ward off an attack (from a human, not just wasps, folks) of up to 25 feet away? You know now.

I’m ridiculously excited after watching this trailer. Raise your hand if you already know you’re going at least twice. (Hand raised.)


“We made a deal ages ago…men, babies, it doesn’t matter. We’re soulmates.”
-Samantha, Sex and the City