A Letter

Dear Miss California USA,
Let me begin by telling you that I am a lover of pageants. I am. I’ve loved them since I could say the word tiara, and maybe even before. I don’t particularly care for those creepy kid pageants where they give children wigs and false eyelashes, but that’s neither here nor there. The fact remains that I don’t hate the pageants.

When I saw you the other night, you were in my top three. I thought to myself, “That Miss California, she’ll be tough to beat.” Taller than a pine tree, flawless skin and makeup, the perfect shade of blonde and eyebrows…you, Miss Cali, had it all going for you. And then you spoke.

If only you had answered the actual question, I think you would have been fine. But instead, you began rambling about “your country” and “no offense” and whatnot, and you just didn’t really make a whole lot of sense. Here’s what my pageant coach used to tell me (and by pageant coach, I mean my mom, but it is still good advice): “Think about what they asked. Answer the question by using part of what they asked as a guide. Keep it brief.” I’m going to throw in some more advice for you. It’s called, know your audience. Most of the judges were not what we would call conservative. Especially Perez Hilton, who asked you the question. I mean, look at Perez. He’s not straight, sweetie.

Now don’t get all huffy, I’m not suggesting that you should have gone against your belief system while answering the question. I am suggesting that you should have and could have answered the question in an intelligent, articulate way and still have gotten your point across. If so, you might be rockin’ that huge tiara and living in Trump Tower right now. But, I’m sure Californians will welcome you back with open arms. Because California, of all places, has no homosexual population whatsoever. Best of luck.
Love,
M