I asked myself the above question several times during my father-daughter trip to New York. My dad…well, he’s a hoot. Only, I don’t think he means to be.

Here are some funny anecdotes that I thought you all might enjoy:

• When we were boarding the plane on the way there, my dad stepped on the plane first and I was told to wait to make sure my carry on will fit before I got on the plane. When I finally walked into the cabin, I saw my dad sitting in the wrong seat. In first class. He didn’t know that seats were assigned. Bless his heart.
• At Macy’s my dad noticed there was a gentleman at the MAC counter while I’m buying powder (Studio Fix, y’all – it covers up ALL the flaws). He asked him where they would be giving out the Heisman Trophy that night and if he knew where he could get tickets to see it. He asked the guy who was working at a make-up counter.
• If I had a dollar for every time he said “Nobody here speaks English,” I would’ve broken even on the trip. It was English. It was just English with an accent.
• When I asked him what he wanted to drink at Starbucks he told me a small coffee, but that he wanted to place the order by himself. I told him to say, “a tall coffee of the day” and his response was, “Mandi, I just told you I wanted a small cup.”
• Right before we saw Chicago, I told him that Jessica Simpson’s sister was playing the role of Roxie Hart. He was quiet for a minute and then said, “Who is Jessica Simpson?”

Hi, Jenny Sanford. Welcome to two of my clubs.
1) The I strongly dislike Governor Mark Sanford Club.
2) The First Wives Club.

In other news, folks, there will be no posts the first of next week as I will be in NYC. Check back Wednesday to see if both of us (father-daughter trip) make it back. $20 bucks says my dad tells the first cab driver that his prices are outrageous.

Look out Manhattan, conservative old man approaching.

A friend of mine posted a status update on Facebook, and it gave me something to write about. Her update said, “Lyza thinks it’s about time to hit up the grocery store. I had a frozen pretzel for lunch today.” The comments she got were pretty comical. One girl said she had hot chocolate and bacon for dinner the night before for the same reason. Another girl had a day old KFC biscuit with honey. I had two expired hot dogs without the buns.

What is it about going to the grocery store that we all despise? It just seems like too much trouble sometimes, doesn’t it? There are pretty much two reasons why I will go into the grocery store these days. 1) If my dog is out of his food/treats, or 2) I am out of any of the components that go into making my perfect cup of morning coffee.

And, here’s a confession for you…last week, I went to CVS for the above items (and paper towels) and had pimento cheese on melba toast for dinner.

Sit back and let me tell you a little story.

A few years back, I had a Maid of Honor named Lauren who was seated at the “head table” of my rehearsal dinner with a Groomsman named Chad. It was love at first meal for Chad, but it took a little persuading for Lauren. She eventually caved to his charm, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Last Friday night, Chad proposed to Lauren at the place where their relationship began. (Insert “awe’s” here.)

This worked out well for me, because the place just happens to be in the city in which I reside. So, on my way home from a Christmas party late Friday night, I stopped in to see the newly engaged couple to have a toast to their engagement. Whilst there, a member of the band that was playing stopped at the table and told them congratulations. He looked at me with a puzzled expression, so I boasted, “I’m the reason that they met!” He said, “Oh, you are the girl’s wedding they met at two years ago.” My response (which was really funny when I delivered it, but doesn’t sound like it when you read it) was “Yeah, well, I’m not married any more.”

I should have kept my mouth shut.

Band Guy proceeded to give Lauren and Chad marital advice, and to be honest, it all made perfect sense. Put God first, each other second, children third. He even told them where to find that in the bible. Corinthians, he said. After about 15 minutes of him repeating the same thing over and over, all three of us were ready for him to depart. I think he could sense this, so he closed by saying, “Remember what I told you. If not, you’ll end up alone like her.”

No. He. Didn’t.

Yes, y’all. He really did.

Both Lauren and Chad immediately started defending me, which was helpful because I couldn’t speak. I don’t remember what all was said, exactly, but I do know that Chad told Band Guy that what I had been through in my marriage was not in Corinthians.

True.

A huge congratulations to you both, L&C. I’m so glad my seating chart worked out for you! Return the favor, why don’t ya?

I’m one busy gal today, so imagine my delight when my friend Daniel sent me this little gem. That’ll keep you entertained for the next 10 minutes or so.

The photos remind me of an experiment my cousin Allison tried back in the 90’s. Thank goodness it was just her legs.

One of my friends, who will remain nameless, sent me a photo of her real tree last night. Here it is:

I took one of my fake tree right after. Here it is:

She seems to think I pushed her tree over with my mind (since I live in a different state). If I did, there are some people who are in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. If you stumble today…my bad.

Men are sh*t. (Sorry for the language, Mom.)

Really, Tiger? Really? As if my faith in men weren’t already on shaky ground, you go and cheat on your smokin‘ hot fashion model wife with a not-so-cute cocktail waitress. Great.

Somewhere in South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford is grinning.

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame
For the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It’s our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone
But I was already gone

From “Already Gone” performed by Sugarland

(Trees, y’all. Real vs. Fake Christmas trees.)

It’s that time of year when everyone is putting up their Christmas decorations and talking about how long it takes, how much trouble it is, when is too early to put them up, when is too late to take them down, etc. And, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this (you will from here on out), but people generally fall into two categories: real tree people and fake tree people.

After years of thinking this to myself and holding it in, I’ve decided to just come out with it. “Real tree people” are snobs. Yes, snobs. They turn their noses up at our fake (pre-lit, low maintenance, sturdy, always the right size for your space) Christmas trees. And I, for one, am tired of it. Fine, you have a real tree. It smells delightful, it wouldn’t be Christmas without one, you can’t wait to go pick it out, etc. Great. Enjoy it. But, don’t you turn your nose up at me because I don’t enjoy getting sap all over me while stringing lights and hanging ornaments, or vacuuming the floor every day when it sheds.

I like my tree, you like your tree. The End. There’s no need for you to tell me how much better your Christmas tree is, especially because of the smell. One word: candles.

The funniest comment I’ve seen about this is from someone I won’t name, as I don’t have their permission. I will, however, share what was written:

That’s funny, I don’t care who you are.