Shout Outs

5 Aug

So, my dear friends have had some exciting news!  (And, I mean that exclamation point…I try to limit my exclamation point usage, as I find that many people just throw them out there for no good reason.)  Back to the news: 


My friends Krissee and Daniel became parents last Friday.  And, not just one time…twice!  Their beautiful twins, Smith and Addison, arrived early Friday morning – and they could be the cutest babies I’ve ever seen.  For real, they are the definition of precious.  And, anyone who’s met Krissee knows that she was put on Earth to be a mom, so I’m sure she’s still on Cloud Nine (Hundred).  Can you imagine how ready she must have been for them to arrive?  I feel claustrophobic just thinking about three people sharing one body.  

Then, on Saturday night, my good friend (and former landlord/roommate) Nancy Margaret, got engaged to her boyfriend of almost 3 years!  His name is Bob, and you won’t find a nicer guy anywhere.  (Seriously…this guy will make your boyfriend/husband look like a jerk.)  They were at the beach with his family, and had planned to go on a boat ride with Bob’s brother and cousins, but when they got to the dock, there was no boat.  NM was confused and Bob acted a little mad, calling the guys and ordering them to turn around and come get them.  Then, as the boat approached, Bob tells NM that he can see them coming through his binoculars and asks her to look.  When she did, she saw this:
I know, right?  Just like in a movie!  Well, as if that wasn’t enough, he had his family and her family (and a few friends) waiting to surprise her with their first engagement party.  That Bob, I tell ya…he’s a sweetheart.  She is, too, so you can’t hate her.  If she were a really crappy person we could talk trash about her, but, sigh, she’s not.  She’d give you her last dollar if you needed it.  (Or she might let you turn in your rent check two weeks late without a single complaint.  But I don’t know that for sure, I’m only guessing.)

Congratulations to both couples!  New beginnings are exciting, scary and fun.  Here’s hoping you have lots of excitement and fun, and only a tiny bit of scary.

Also, on the shout out list is my friend Lauren, who celebrates a birthday on this day.  Happy Birthday, Lars!

Injured. To be continued…

3 Aug

tip: never cut rose stems with a knife. never cut them period.

sliced finger to the bone. have four stitches. typing with one hand is neither efficient or fun. more on this later.

thanks to keith (the miracle worker and best friend ever) for sewing me up on a sunday, and not calling me a wimp for crying.

A Plea

31 Jul

Dear Girls Gone Wild Participant(s),

You’re probably not going to like what I have to say.  You’ll think I sound like your mother, that I’m not “cool,” or that I’m jealous.  Get over yourself.  

Moving along, we need to chat – so put down your wine cooler and put on some clothes.  I realize that you are “barely legal” as the advertisements clearly state, so you aren’t as wise as you’ll one day be (God willing).  Let’s think, for a moment, about your future.  One day you’ll be all grown up and you’ll have to enter what we like to call “the real world.”  No, sweetheart, not that show on MTV.  The workplace.  What if you decide that you want to be a school teacher?  Do you think a principal would hire you if they knew of your 30 seconds of fame in Cancun?  No, there is no multiple choice.  The answer is no.  Or, what if you meet a handsome young man who has ambitions of running for office?  What if you grow a brain and decide to run yourself?  Your video escapades during your Freshman year will not allow for either.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  No?  Ok, we’ll try a different route.

Let’s say your mom and dad were flipping through the channels late one night and saw a GGW commercial.  Your mom says, “I can’t believe they show this smut on television” and your dad replies with, “Didn’t that guy go to jail for filming underage girls?”  Then, as they are about to turn the channel, they see their only daughter smile into the camera lens, drop her 82 ounce beverage, remove her bikini top and yell, “Girls Gone Wild!”  By the time the announcer says, “Get all three videos for the price of one” your mom has fainted and your dad has vomited.  Afterwards, they stop paying for your tuition and you are forced to move home, go to the local tech school and work part-time at Subway.  Would you be happy then?  No, they do not have sororities at technical colleges.  Now stop sending text messages about getting wasted tonight and look at me.

I’m only trying to help you.  Right now, getting drunk at Mardi Gras and taking off your shirt might sound like an excellent idea.  But one day, you’ll have some self respect and regret it.  Even if you don’t have any self respect, you’ll regret it.  Just look at Governor Elliot Spitzer’s call girl, Ashley Whatsherface.  She was offered tons of cash to take her clothes off until they realized that she already had for Girls Gone Wild.  No one wants to pay for an older version of her nakedness.  So, homegirl lost out – and is probably still working corners (or committee rooms in Washington).  I’m not condoning taking off your clothes for money, but if you insist on doing so, at least get something out of the deal.

The bottom line is this:  Joe Francis is the devil, and you should stay far, far away from him.  He’ll put you on his party bus, booze you up and hand you a contract to sign.  Don’t sell your soul (or body) to Mr. Francis.  He’s rich enough.  If he approaches you, instead of smiling seductively and agreeing to flash your boobs, smile seductively and kick him in the balls.  For all of us.

Thanks,
Me

To Know Them is to Love Them

29 Jul

On my voicemail, in regards to making contestant numbers for the town pageant I’m directing:
My Mom:  “I’m so tired right now that I think we should just take a yellow sticky, slap it on their dresses, and be done with it.”


Conversation with my MIL:

Mother-in-Law:  “I think I’d like a Diet Coke.  You know, nothing quenches my thirst quite like a cold Diet Coke.”
Me:  “What about Diet Ginger Ale?  Didn’t you used to only drink Diet Ginger Ale?”
Mother-in-Law:  “Yeah, I did.  But I recently had a falling out with Diet Ginger Ale.”

I’m dying to know what this “falling out” was about, but some things are just better left to the imagination.

Go What Yourself?

28 Jul

During a couples dinner party last weekend, conversation between the ladies turned to:  celebrity gossip, regular gossip, instant messaging and Facebook.  Our husbands ridiculed us for talking about these things, even bonded together about how ridiculous we were.  We, of course, ignored them.


Ashley confessed that she has all of the celebrity gossip magazines (and graciously offered the ones she has already read to us), Benton admitted that she’d checked Perez Hilton every day this summer, and I told them of my love of the website, Go Fug Yourself.  Even from the men in the room, the collective response was, “Go What Yourself?”  Fug, people, f-u-g.

Go Fug Yourself is my favorite (yes, even above Perez) website because it’s all about celebrities and bad fashion.  Think the “When Bad Clothes Happen to Good People” section of Us Weekly times 1000.  The word “fug” derives from “fugly” – a combination of the words “frightfully ugly” (or “another ‘f” word + ugly”).  The writers (aka, the “Fug Girls”), Heather and Jessica, are a mixture of witty and catty that just don’t come along that often.  GFY began as a hobby blog, but became such a sensation that now these girls make a living “fugging” celebrites in various media outlets (they have a weekly column in New York Magazine).  Talk about a dream job.

So, if you have a few minutes to kill – Go Fug Yourself.  You won’t be sorry that you did.

Holly the Boston (Terror) Terrier

25 Jul

Geeky confession:  I purchased an audio book for my drive to and from the beach last weekend.


Scoff if you will, but what else was I supposed to do on a 4.5 hour drive alone (well, kind of, I had our 6 month old puppy traveling with me)?  Anyway, I listened to Marley & Me:  Life and Love with the World’s Worst Dog.  And, I loved every dorky minute of it.  I giggled, smiled, belly-laughed and cried.

I’ve raved so much about it that my mom is reading the book now.  She has a “Marley” dog herself, named Holly.  Holly is a 10 month old Boston Terrier who gives Marley a run for his money in the “World’s Worst Dog” category.  As of late, Holly has eaten the entire arm off of a chair, and knocked out every screen on the back porch – to make it more exit friendly, I presume.  She’s also chewed a hole in the wall (twice), consumed a few razors, and destroyed many a shoe in her short 9 months in their home.

As horrible as Holly is, much like Marley in the book, my parents accept her for her faults – and love her anyway.  Dogs, after all, show us unconditional love…I guess it’s only fair that we do the same for them.

Give Marley & Me a whirl if you love animals, are a pet owner, or plan to be one!

My Hero in Boxer Shorts

24 Jul

Do you ever have one of those mornings where things just start off wrong?  Welcome to today for yours truly.


-Woke up at 6:00, rolled out of bed and stumped toe.
-Poured coffee, and in the drinking process, dribbled it all over my chin and chest.
-Took our freshly bathed puppy out to the bathroom, where he proceeded to roll in the wet grass, then dirt.
-Got in the shower and while shaving my legs, the puppy decided to hop in and have a drink of water.
-Put on a shirt that goes with black pants only to search desperately for said pants.  Clothes flew everywhere.  Pants were nowhere to be found.  Said curse word LOUDLY.

Just as I was about to rip off the planned outfit, shout more obscenities and give up on this day being anything but awful, hubby announced “AH HA!”  

He found my pants!  And, I think he was just as pleased as I was.

Fan and Fred

23 Jul

This week, the House and the Senate will vote whether or not to commit taxpayer money to save Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  So, who are these people – and why do they need our money?


Fan and Fred (as I like to call ’em) are “government sponsored enterprises” which means they receive support from the Federal Government, but are privately owned.  They were created (Fannie came first, Freddie later) by Congress (as part of Roosevelt’s New Deal) to help more Americans buy homes.  And, both are among the largest corporations in the world.

Ok, so why should you care?  Enter financial disaster.  As taxpayers, you and I will “take one for the team” and help the Government bail them out, if this what Congress decides to do.  And we’re not talking a few million dollars worth of debt…more like hundreds of billions of dollars in outstanding debts.  This is why you officially care.  (and why my hair hurts just thinking about this)

Read this editorial and also this one if you’d like to hear more from people who are way more educated on this subject than little ole’ me.

All the Sequins in Georgia

21 Jul

This past weekend was spent with my former roommates at St. Simons Island, Georgia.  Our “roommate reunion” was full of snacking, sunning, chatting, laughing, laziness and cocktail consumption.


One of our topics of conversation was “fake beach names” circa middle school/high school.  Mine was never the same two years in a row.  One year I was a “Britney,” the next year I was a “Kelly.”  This never worked, of course, because we would be outed by our parents who would call our real name, or wouldn’t answer to the fake name, because, well, it wasn’t really our name.  But, it was fun nonetheless.

In the spirit of this, we assigned fake names for one another.  They weren’t the most beautiful names you’ve ever heard, but having them was just as much fun as it was back in the days of 90210 and football Friday nights.

We also found ourselves doing what a lot of women do:  checking out (and then commenting on) the fashion choices of girls and guys around us.  I know, I know, it’s superficial.  So what?  We know it’s superficial, we recognize that, we do it anyway.  Among the things we saw were a guy who was not a Sailor with a Sailor hat on, and a girl with a shirt that can only be described as having “all the sequins in Georgia” on it.  

And, you know what?  I’ve got mad respect for both of these peeps.  I mean, it takes some guts to bust out your best sequined top and your Sailor cap with Halloween nowhere in sight with such pride.


Note:  Look, I’m not against sequins.  I’m from the South, and I wore many a pageant dress that was adorned with sequins.  I did not, however, wear said sequin gear out to a bar.  Ok, maybe once on New Years Eve.  Fine, maybe every year on New Year’s Eve.  But at this particular bar, on this particular night, sequins were not called for.
 


Song Lyric Oops

18 Jul

On my way to work this morning, I heard Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” hit from 1985.  I used to sing this song, brush in hand, at the top of my lungs when I was a kid.  So naturally, I did the same thing in the car (minus the brush), with all the enthusiasm that I had at age 6.  Only this time, I noticed that Whit and I weren’t singing the same verse during the chorus.

She sings:
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you what you know about these things

And I sing:
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you what you know about bee stings

Bee stings?

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