If your hand is raised, I would like to slap you around.

Today has consisted of many, many phone calls. That tournament is just around the corner. And, guess what? In case you were wondering, I still can’t get anyone tickets to the Masters. (But thanks for asking random man from Arizona, lady from Florida…and Dad.)

This Monday has made me well aware that I will have renters in my home next week – yikes! Time to start cleaning like a mad woman. I’m ok with the dust bunnies under my bed, but I’m fairly certain my “guests” (are they guests if they are paying you?) won’t be amused.

BlackBerry Messenger Chatter:

With Ben…
Ben: I’m in the mood to do some serious spring cleaning.
Me: Me too. Only scratch the word “cleaning” and insert “shopping.”

With a friend…
Friend: Everyday I hear the woman in the cube next to me talk (rather, argue) with her children. It makes me want to get my tubes tied.
Me: I almost just wet my pants.
Friend: Today, her child (she has three) called crying because she could not find a hair brush.
Me: Yeah, well, I couldn’t find one today either, but I just went with it. Had to be at work at 7:00 – figured no one would notice.
Friend: The reason that I don’t want children is not because the child called her, but I sat here thinking…if my child called me with that sob story, I would drive home, find a brush and hit her with it. It was at that point I realized I shouldn’t reproduce.
Me: On the contrary, I think that is the exact reason you should reproduce.

*Title totally stolen from someecards.com.

If someone tells you they fully understand the health care bill, they are either:
1) A really, really smart person (who should probably find some other things to do)
2) Lying

If you are like me, and the mere mention of the words “health care bill” or “health care reform” make your health decline, I have a nifty little link that you are going to love. Click here for a synopsis of the bill from the consumer’s prospective.

Hat tip, BT. Thanks for the linkage.

Disclaimer: Before my friends get offended – everyone I know is cool.

A while back, I blogged about a makeup line called Edward Bess. Well, Mr. Bess has an advertisement out that includes all of his sisters – and it’s simply beautiful.
Second from the left is a former roommate of mine, named Bess (no, they didn’t name her Bess Bess, Edward’s “for real” last name is different that his “famous person” last name).

Sigh…she’s always been that freakin‘ pretty. Oh, and she lives in Charleston. Could you be any more envious? Because I don’t think I could.

I’ve got something to share with the men out there. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth.

Here goes:
Most women are stalkaholics.

Yep, we will check your phone, we will check your email/facebook/computer history, we will drive by your house, we will look in your wallet, dresser drawer or pretty much anything we can get our hands on. And, before you go there with your shocked expression, let me just say this: if you’re dumb enough to have a password we can guess, then you deserve all the stalking we dish out.

I know this beautiful and otherwise stable woman who once checked her boyfriend’s phone records via his cell phone bill and called the numbers she didn’t recognize. Why? Well, simply put: because she was looking for something. Something that would justify her trepidation about the relationship. I know another woman who checked her boyfriend’s mail. His mail! What is this, 1985? Who sends anyone anything in the mail?

Naturally, if you trust the person you are with – there should be no reason to snoop. But, as women, we have a god given need to know everything. If you’re southern, you have an extra dose of the “need to know” – which can make being a non-stalker extremely difficult.

Being a stalkaholic is like any other addiction. Once you start, it’s very hard to stop. My suggestion, obviously, is for women to fight the urge to be nosey and just trust your guy. Don’t “fall off the wagon” and snoop. If you do, there’s no going back. You’ll find yourself going through his text messages and emails like a junkie. Junkies, ladies…they aren’t attractive.

I’m currently giving that whole non-stalking thing a whirl and so far, so good. Just don’t dare me to guess his passwords – because I do love a challenge.

yay for:
my brother and sister-in-law finding out that it’s a GIRL
a cute new skirt
meigs, who makes me laugh
low carb yogurt that i’m obsessed with
a super easy curly hair day
weather so good you can ride with your windows open and the music up
my mom’s birthday (it was tuesday)
thursdays
text messages with krissee
polka dot calendars
taking my dog for a walk on my lunch break
this mascara
a real housewives of nyc night
it being light outside when i leave work
wine and cheese plans tomorrow night
looking at weekend pictures for the 100th time and still laughing at them

This is going to be short, so I apologize in advance.

Feeling lost without The Bachelor on last night, I flipped through my “guide” until I saw that Fatal Attraction was on. It has been my personal belief for years that all men should be forced to watch that movie. If they did, they would understand that they only think they know crazy. Take what they think is crazy and multiply it by about 1000, and you get Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

It ain’t worth it fellas. It just ain’t worth it.

Friday night, some of my favorite ladies and I celebrated the upcoming wedding of sweet gal named Lauren A. She’s from South Georgia (yes, people in South Georgia actually specify what part of the state they are from) and has the accent to match – and is just as pretty as a picture. Her fiance? Well, folks, he’s a…Yankee. I’m not sure how this happened but, these two crazy kids fell in l-o-v-e, and Lauren’s fiance even convinced her to move to Chicago. It should be said that she hasn’t lost the accent one bit.

I wish I could give you all the details of the night (which included a limo ride with a driver named Cecil who had a salt and pepper mullet), but I can’t. I will tell you, though, that at times I truly felt like I was on a combination episode of The Hills and The Jersey Shore. It’s nights like this that remind me how very 30 I am, yet at the same time, that 30 is the new 21.

I’ll leave you with one of our toasts for the night: Thank you, Abe Lincoln. Without you, this union of North vs. South might never have happened.

• Blank has Diarrhea, Nausea, cold sweats, and back aches.
• Blank’s day just turned into a WAR PATH!!!! Ex-wives can be the most hateful, selfish, lying, THINGS this world could ever see!!!!!!
• Blank is trying to make babies but is being unsuccessful.
• Blank has a husband with smelly feet!
• Blank’s boss is a two face..back stabbin..sorry mother beep…
• Blank needs to shave her hairy legs today. lol.
• Blank is out of my meds. Hope I can get them tomorrow.

(Editor’s note: Most of these had mispellings, but I corrected them so you would recognize the words.)