I’m going to take that title a step further. My dog’s water bowl is funnier than Jay Leno. Anyone who has discussed this topic with me knows my strong feelings of disdain for Leno. I won’t bore you with my usual rant on him, but it goes a little something like: He has never once made me laugh. Not one single time have I tuned in and laughed at anything the “comedian” has said. Simply put, I have laughed more at Alex Trebek than Jay Leno.

Side note: One time Ben told me he liked Leno, and I almost ended our relationship. True story. If you don’t see eye-to-eye on Letterman vs. Leno, what chance do you have? He doesn’t watch Leno in my presence, though, so we’re good now.

Given my thoughts on Jay Leno, you can imagine how happy I was when Conan O’Brien took over The Tonight Show. Finally, NBC had a Tonight Show host that the late Johnny Carson would approve of. Then, Leno was given the 10:00 time slot every night for a new show. The thought crossed my mind that someone at NBC had it out for me, but as Leno’s new show started to tank in the ratings, I thought all was right with the world. Now, that SOB has stolen The Tonight Show from someone again (Google: Letterman vs. Leno feud), and my blood pressure is up.

Jay Leno should be ashamed of himself. He’s a back stabbing, money grubbing, ridiculously corny, washed up, has-been. If NBC makes him The Tonight Show host again, I hope Conan O’Brien gets his revenge the old fashioned way…by switching to a different network and kicking their a**es in the ratings. Whew, I feel better.

If you haven’t seen the statement from Conan O’Brien, please read it. It’s classy. It’s funny. It’s genius. And, it makes me want to knock a few NBC executives out cold. I’m pretty sure that’s what Conan was going for.

Statement from Conan O’Brien
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.
Yours,
Conan

yay for:
a super clean house
no makeup sundays
going to atlanta for work today
a new season of the biggest loser
phone date plans with staci
cold enough weather to wear sweaters
satellite radio “artist alerts”
charleston this weekend
listing my house to rent for the masters
this post on gofugyourself.com
at-home manicures
new work clothes
my new jam
people who have pleasant phone voices
my new favorite morning drink

Dear Target,
The swimsuit section already? Really? Everyone knows that January and February are the months of acceptable chunkiness, so get with it. We are not even going to glance at that section until mid-March, and even then the glancing will only serve as a reminder that we need to shape up before May, when we might purchase a new suit. I tend to wait until June, but I digress.

Stop trying to make me get on the new year exercising bandwagon. It ain’t happenin’. It’s too cold for all that, but nice try.
Love,
M

On New Years Eve, I went to a restaurant with friends. We were having a grand ole time eating and drinking and talking…and eating and drinking and talking. About halfway through our meal, one of the men at the table cast our attention to a couple sitting nearby. He had on the headband that said Happy New Year, and she had on the top hat that said Happy New Year. Being the childish group that we can be, we all snickered about it, and then carried on with the eating, drinking and talking.

Then, it happened. Top hat lady got up from the table to go to the restroom (we presumed). As soon as she was out of sight, a large table of 40-ish and 50-somethings started taunting headband man. Not about his headband, though (which he had removed, by the way). They were saying, “Hey Tiger!” and “Tiger, Tiger, Tiger!”

Yes, y’all, apparently this gentleman was out with the other woman, and was dumb enough to take her to a place where people knew him. I guess this guy figured that if Tiger Woods can frolic around with hussies in public and not get told on (for years, anyway), he certainly can too.

• Get healthy. (This includes eating better and working out.)
• Clean up language.
• Better organization at home and work.
• Increase my church intake.
• Leave work on time. (Failing, as I type.)
• Read 10-15 books this year.

Since 2009 is on the way out, I’ve been reflecting about what all I have done and experienced this year. A year that, for me, has absolutely flown by. I vividly remember writing my “Year In Review” post on this day last year through tears. That seems like it wasn’t so long ago, yet, at the same time, like a lifetime ago.

Today’s post is still an emotional one, but in a different way. I began 2009 with a great deal of hope and sadness. I’m ending it with a great deal of hope and happiness. I’d say that’s called progress, folks. Hooray for progress.

Last year I wrote this:
Years pass so quickly. Time really and truly flies by before we know it. So, do things that make you happy. Love. Be nice (yes, even when you don’t want to). Laugh and cry with your friends. Enjoy your family. Stand up for yourself. Take a vacation. Make resolutions. Take actions. Improve yourself.

And, guess what? In 2009, I have loved, been nice when I didn’t want to, laughed and cried with my friends (and alone!), enjoyed my family (even took trips with them), stood up for myself (no elaboration needed), taken several little vacations and one big one (you remember Europe, right?), made resolutions (didn’t keep most of them, but hey, I did it), taken actions and improved myself (a little…I’m still a work-in-progress).

I’m looking forward to 2010. I am excited to see what is in store for everyone I love, and for me. I already know that one of my friends is getting married. And that my brother and his wife will be having a baby. New years equal new beginnings, and today I’m feeling blessed and fortunate that I still get to experience these.

Happy New Year to all of you. Here’s to 2010….may it be a year of happiness and progress. I’ve got my fingers crossed that it will be your year.

“I was fuzzy on the details, but I knew the basic outline. I knew how I wanted to be, it was simply a question of being who I wanted to be. I thought I had had it all figured out before. I’d had the plan perfectly clear in my head. I wasn’t going to cross into thirty without the triple crown in hand: serious boyfriend, career, and great friends. It was time to accept that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to have it all figured out by the time I turned thirty. Maybe I could just work on me, and see what else fell into place. I was pretty sure that was otherwise known as living.” — Megan Crane (Frenemies)

What is it about the United States Postal workers that makes them so nasty? You know the ones I’m talkin’ ’bout. The ones that work inside the post office behind the desk. Those folks have some serious control issues.

Now that I think about it, anyone who has the “power” to tell you when you can step ahead in a line is on a total power trip. Banks, airport security, stadium ticket takers…they are all full of themselves. If you even think about stepping up before they give you the nod or say, “Next!” they will give you an attitude the size of Texas. What is up with that?

The “tail snap” occurs after you say something sassy, and is done by popping your hand by your “tail” and snapping your fingers. I first saw Cecilia tail snap someone at a party, which, by the way, is a perfectly acceptable place to tail snap someone. The moment went a little something like this: Random guy strikes up boring conversation with Cecilia and she tries desperately to escape, to no avail. Then, a perfect opportunity presented itself. Random guy brings up that he is a graduate of the University of Georgia. Cecilia, who didn’t miss a beat, shakes her head and says, “Well, sweetie, I’m a Tech fan, so I think we are on opposite sides of the hedges if you know what I mean.” Tail snap. Exit.

It was genius.

I, however, have taken the tail snap a bit far, as I did it to a co-worker last week. We have just moved into a new office space, and not all of our offices have doors now. A male co-worker of mine locked himself out of his new office (yes, he got a door and I did not) and we had to call a locksmith to get him in. As he worked in the conference room for the day, I sassily told him, “Well, guess what? That’s what you get for having a door.” Tail snap.

He looked confused. I quickly scurried back to my desk, and have decided that it might be best to leave the tail snapping to Cecilia.

Show me someone who doesn’t love John Krasinski, and I’ll promptly slap them around. He is, in my opinion, the best actor on television right now. And, in every interview I’ve seen him in, he’s been humble. Humble, my friends, is a trait I think more people should look into, but I digress.

Here’s Mr. Krasinski looking ever so dapper at the premiere of It’s Complicated. The perfect combination of old Hollywood and modern day GQ, John’s fashion choice is anything but. Love the suit, love the color, love the skinny tie, love the hair…hate the girlfriend. I started to post this same picture with my face photoshopped in, but I put it as my desktop wallpaper instead.

Yikes…it’s here. The big one. The end of an era.

Hello, 30, I’ve been expecting you. I hope we will be great friends, and that you aren’t as traumatic as everyone makes you out to be. After midnight tomorrow night, I will no longer be able to say I’m in my late twenties. Sigh.

If anyone needs me, I will be celebrating 30 years of awesomeness with a cocktail or 6.