I used to think that once you got married and had new last name, it would be incredibly hard to remember to use the new name in conversation, or while signing it. To my surprise, it really wasn’t that hard at all. I reluctantly embraced the new last name after a few weeks, and it just started to flow. In fact, I rarely slipped and said my maiden name, which is odd, seeing as how I thought this would be something I had to consciously remind myself of. That, and the fact that I liked my maiden name better than my married name. Sign number 1? Maybe.

Enter the situation (which is now referred to as the “unmarrying” process), and I find myself in quite the pickle. Professionally, I’m Mandi MarriedName – so that is how everyone associated with my job knows me. I haven’t been at this job all that long (You remember the lay off, right? Geez. Rough year.) so to switch over overnight seems like a bit much. What if I change everything (emails, business cards, allthatjazz) back to my maiden name…and people start asking me if I got married? That would be a disaster for me to explain, and I’m not really fond of telling Random Rita from XYZ Company all my biznass.

This is when it would’ve been a smart idea to hyphenate my name. Then, all I would have to do is drop one. Like, oops, it fell off, I’m just Mandi MaidenName now. Dang those traditional ideas. Dang ’em.

Sometimes, just for kicks, I mosey over to someecards.com to see what those crazy kids have come up with lately. Today I saw this, and it cracked me up:

I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine about that awkward point in a relationship when you either decide to talk about numbers, or to not talk about numbers. Most women* like to know the ins and outs (pun intended) of the history, while most men prefer a more vague approach (like the one above).

*I will not disclose how I feel about this subject, because my mama reads this blog.

As a side note, my mom told me the other day that she couldn’t date “in this day and age.” I asked her what she meant by that, and she said she’d have to see the person’s most recent STD tests before taking things to the next level with them. Sadly, that’s not a bad idea.

To talk about “my realtor” – even if I have known him since high school.

Hey, I live with my parents right now. I need as many grown-up moments as possible.

Dear Jason Mesnick,
Where do I begin? Is “you’re an asshole” too much to start out with? Ok, ok, I’ll be a little nicer. No cursing allowed.

Let me start by telling you that you pretty much had all of us (and by “us” I mean every woman in America) fooled into thinking you were Mr. Nice Guy. You’ve got that whole dark haired, tanned skin thing going for you, you’re a single dad with a cutie patootie little boy, and our hearts went out to you when watched your heart get broken by that gosh awful DeAnna on The Bachelorette. I sort of wish you would’ve just gone on with your life, and left me wondering, “Whatever became of that great guy on The Bachelorette, the one with the adorable son? I’m sure someone snatched him up by now, and they’re living happily ever after in Seattle.” But, no. No, Jason, you had to go and become The Bachelor…and Mr. Nice Guy went out the da, er, darn window.

I mean for these next statements to be helpful, ok? Ok, here goes. You, Mr. Mesnick, cry entirely too much. Seriously, you cried or made a face like you were on the verge of tears during every episode. I like a man who is in touch with his feelings, but you might need some form of antidepressant. Moving right along, I think you could rethink your shirt/tie/suit combinations. Someone over there at ABC should’ve been able to help you out with this. Also, you say the word “amazing” constantly. Please learn to use it more sparingly, you know, like you would cayenne pepper. Not everything is amazing, and not every woman is amazing, ok? If she is so freaking amazing, why did you send her home? Lastly, I’m going to need you to stop proposing to women. Why don’t you date them before you ask them to be with you forever? I know it sounds crazy, but give it a whirl.

Now, I know it seems like the whole country is up in arms about you breaking off your engagement on national television, and I’m not going to lie to you, Jase. The whole country is up in arms about it. If polled, I’d bet you all the money in my wallet (or someone else’s, as I don’t really carry cash around) that Bush’s approval rating is higher than yours. So, if I were you – I’d watch my back. You and Molly will most likely be booed everywhere you go, so you might want to subscribe to Netflix for a while. It’s generally not a good idea to tell the girl who you asked to be your wife that it’s not working out and then make out with another girl 5 seconds later. Even for those of us who liked Molly, who rooted for Molly, who thought she was cuter than Melissa…it’s just too much. We’re “Team Melissa” now, Jason. And we have you to thank.

Give my best to Ty Ty, and please go away after this.
Love,
M

You know what annoys me about men? Well, one thing that annoys me…you don’t need to be here all day – you’ve got work to do, I’m sure.

The thing that annoys me is that as soon as September hits, they have a one track mind. Football. Football, football, football.

Honestly, I think that most Southern men would turn down a threesome with Jessica Alba and Julianne Hough if it happened to fall on a college football Saturday. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some college football (shout out – Mark Richt, I heart you) but it isn’t my life. I wouldn’t like, not go on a free vacation or something because Georgia played Auburn that week. I can root for my team from Italy, you know? And it’s not like me being there helps at all. I showed up last year for Alabama, blacked out even, and we all know what happened then. And, Florida? We. Don’t. Discuss. It.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just live our lives freely, without having to wonder who plays who the weekend your friend from college is getting married?

Yesterday, while sitting with a group of co-workers and eating lunch, one of the older ladies at the table looked at me and said, “You make me sick. You eat so much and are still tiny.”

First of all, I had to glance down at my plate. I was a little embarrassed by the amount of food that was not left on it. Then, I quickly began defending myself. “Yes ma’am, I do eat a lot, but I don’t eat any sugar, and I stay away from almost all carbohydrates. I can’t eat anything I please and still be the weight I want, so I just do that.”

It was then that she asked this dreadful question: “Well, do you work out?”

My response? “Oh, gosh no. I haven’t exercised since 2003.”

Y’all. Thisisnotgood. I can’t believe that it’s true, number one, or that I would admit it, number two. Don’t they say your muscles start to deteriorate after two weeks of no use? By now I’m nothing but fat and bone. Yikes. Working out to begin today.

I’m from the front pew of a wooden white church
A courthouse clock that still don’t work
Where a man’s word means everything
Where moms and dads were high school flames
Who gave their children grandmother’s maiden name
Yes it may not sound like much
But it’s where I’m from

Where the quarterback dates the homecoming queen
The trucks are Ford and the tractors green
And Amazing Grace is what we sing
Where the county fair is every fall
And your friends are there no matter when you call
Yes it may not sound like much
But it’s where I’m from

From “Where I’m From” by Patrick Davis

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can’t get it back
Let’s face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I’m gonna’ take it

I don’t wanna’ spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I’ve let all these years go by
Wasted

From “Wasted” performed by Carrie Underwood

G-chatter…

AB: Why are boys so difficult?
Me: Because they are not as smart as we are.
AB: Good answer.
Me: So, another friend bites the dust, eh?
Me: Are you in the wedding?
AB: NO! Woohoo! I mean…I would be honored but we aren’t that close.
Me: Yesssss! We would always “be honored.”
Me: I told NM that under no circumstances would I participate in the “tossing of the bouquet.” And if anyone even suggested it, I would punch them in the face. Violent, yes. But it gets the point across.

I still look like Elvira. I’m growing tired of explaining how this was “an accident” – that I really did take a picture of what I wanted in, and the colorist just missed the mark, and it will fade, but I didn’t want to strip the color out because I was scared it would damage my hair, and really it is only hair, and it’s not like I’m stuck with it forever, and it could be worse.

Starting today, when every person who hasn’t seen me since the unfortunate goth hair dye incident says (with a puzzled look), “Hey, your hair is…different. It’s. Darker?”

I say, “Yep. It sure is.”

I really hope I don’t step on anyone’s toes with this statement, but what the heck:
Public engagements make me feel awkward.

I got a call the other day from a friend telling me that they had some workplace gossip. Now, seeing as how I love any kind of gossip (I’m from a small town, it’s what we do) I was all over that. I expected to hear that so-and-so was in trouble because of this, or maybe even that someone had lost their job. I did not, however, expect to hear that a woman had gotten engaged at work.

Oh-yes-she-did.

Call me crazy, but I don’t find anything romantic about an office cubicle (or paperwork, or files, or keyboards, or florescent lights). The job site is typically not a place of romance, and there’s a reason for that. It’s called a business because you conduct business there. You do not have a date there, you do not hang out there. Why? Because it would be weird, that’s why.

Why then, would anyone propose to a woman at work in front of her co-workers? Or her boss? Holy inappropriateness. I’m sorry, but if that’s all the creativity you’ve got, then you have issues. And, how unfortunate for the people who work there? I feel bad for them. I can see them now, just walking by from their restroom break, and BAM, proposal happens. Hello, uncomfortable? Is that you? I can see it now – fake smiles, and nervous laughter abound.

At any rate, romance is in the air with Valentine’s Day just around the corner. And, to get you in the spirit of love, I bring you:

1. The Notebook. Here’s a video montage, complete with music, that will make any relationship seem inadequate. (Don’t front – Noah and Allie had it going on, ok?)
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Another montage with music, and this one makes me want Kate Hudson and Mathew McConaughey-hey to date in real life. Cuteness.
3. Sweet Home Alabama. Watch Jake and Melanie struggle to find their way back to one another in this montage.
4. Love Actually. You know the scene I’m talkin’ bout…best love confession ever. View the scene here. Bet you can’t get through it without smiling.
5. When Harry Met Sally. This is the scene at the end, when Harry wins Sally over.

Some were left out that should’ve made the list (Walk the Line comes to mind), but I had to stop at some point. I was starting to seriously depress myself.

If you are a glutton for punishment, though, here are my two favorite scenes from The Notebook, and the Sex and the City Carrie/Big fight and reunion.

• What do you want?
• Get in the water!
• SATC