Today, all over our great country, people are calling in gay to work. No, that wasn’t my cold meds talking, you read that correctly. And doesn’t that just conjure up a fun image of a puzzled boss on the other end of the phone when their employee says, “Hi Ron. Listen, I can’t come in today because I’ve got homosexuality.” Read more here.

I heard something today that made me mad, and so, you get to read about it. A man was saying that in times like these (aka, major recession), if you have a job you should show up for it. If you don’t show up, there are plenty of people waiting in line to get a job – any job – so you should lose yours and give it to someone who won’t stay home because they have a point to make.

No, good sir, you should not. Furthermore, you should rethink those eyeglasses.

This is my humble opinion: Gay people do not have the same rights as straight people. I simply believe we should all have equal rights.

We are all entitled to our opinion, that’s the beauty of living in the United States. I do think, however, that if you want to argue against gay marriage and use the Bible as the reason why – you don’t want to have that conversation with me. Why? Because I’ll win, that’s why. If you don’t think a man and a man or a woman and a woman should be married, fine. Just say that. Just say, “I don’t like homosexuality and I don’t think homosexuals should be allowed to get married.” But please, please do not hide behind the Bible by telling me that homosexuality is an abomination.

Why? Well, the Bible contains lots of things in it that aren’t relevant to today’s times. Do you think we should uphold everything the Bible states? If so, you better find something else to do on college football Saturdays. According to Leviticus 11:7-8, touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Any crab leg lovers out there? Bad news, Leviticus 11:10 says eating shellfish is an abomination. Hear someone say GD? I don’t like it either, but is it really necessary to stone them to death as stated in Leviticus 24:16?

What about these examples from an open letter to Dr. Laura (that was forwarded around a few years ago)?

I cut my hair off this week. (And by “I” I mean I had a professional do it.)

It’s still below my shoulders, but 8 inches got the boot. Moment of silence, please.

Thanks. As you were.

Every year Oprah does a couple of those “Favorite Things” shows, the biggest one being during the holiday season. It’s one of those things that is taped in advance so the people in the audience are not expecting it. I’ve learned recently, though, that usually the people in the audience know because they are offered these “special tickets” as an apology for something gone wrong with an Oprah experience before. (Like they got to the show and there weren’t any seats available – they overbook these shows like airlines, so they are guaranteed to be full.)

Let’s set the scene, shall we?

Ok, you traveled to Chicago with your 80-year-old grandmother whose last “bucket list” wish is to see Oprah Winfrey. You waited a year for these Oprah tickets, so you go all out. You get plane tickets, hotel reservations, dinner reservations, tour reservations – and everything is going wonderful in Chicago until you are told outside the studio that the show is at full capacity. The nice people at Harpo offer you tickets for the next day, but you’ll already be back in Seattle for your grandmother’s pre-op appointment (for her hip replacement). The powers that be at the show tell you they are so sorry for your inconvenience and will make it up to you by sending you tickets to another show and paying your way back to Chicago. Sold! So, you’re back in Seattle and a few months later you get a phone call from the show telling you your tickets are in the mail. Tickets for a November taping. Hmm. OH MY GOD, THIS IS IT. Oprah’s Favorite Things! It has to be! Come on, Granny, get your walker – we’re going to Chicago.

You get to the studio, you’re in line, and everyone is whispering about this being THE show. You cannot believe your luck. You look over at Grams, and she is just as anxious to go in. You wonder if she’ll give out another refrigerator with an HD television screen. Or a high definition digital camcorder. Or the latest Apple techno thingy. This is the most fun! You are so excited that you call all your friends to tell them that you are about to receive all of Oprah’s Favorite Things!

Enter Oprah. Only she beings the show talking about the hard economic times, and how she didn’t feel like it was appropriate to have the usual “Favorite Things” show. You almost vomit. Instead, Oprah says she’ll be giving you ideas on how to have a thrifty holiday. A THRIFTY HOLIDAY? Grandma faints.

End scene.

Yes, Oprah decided to give her audience ideas as her favorite things. Am I the only one who thinks this is complete and total crap? I’m all for being sensitive to the many people who are scraping by, don’t get me wrong. I’ve always thought the “Favorite Things” episode was a little ridiculous anyway. (I mean, who can buy a $4,000 refrigerator for themselves, much less give it as a gift to someone?) It’s fun to watch those audience members go crazy, but most of those gifts are far too extravagant for my little ole’ budget. (One year she had a $250 cashmere scarf, and said you could give them to all your co-workers. I love my co-workers, but…) However, that is the fun of it. I watch that show and think how awesome it would be to be there, but I don’t get bitter about not being able to buy all that stuff. Let’s face it, celebrities in general are wasteful. They just are. Because they can be. This is Oprah, and we all know that Oprah isn’t going to forgo throwing a fabulous holiday party because the stock market is down and the unemployment rate is up. I kind of feel like she’s insulting our intelligence with this whole pseudo favorite things episode.

Some of her “ideas” are really cute, so if you are not as materialistic as most of the world, check them out here. But, I wouldn’t suggest trying these with your nieces and nephews without a warning of some sort. If they’re used to getting presents, and this year you give them a box with a note that says, “I love you because you are caring and sweet,” I think they might hurt your feelings when they aren’t overjoyed.

• Does anyone else wonder what Audrina (on The Hills, for you people like my mom) sees in Justin-Bobby? Or why Lauren Conrad takes everything so seriously? Lighten up, LC.
• Does anyone else wonder if the nail technicians are talking about them in a different language?
• Does anyone else feel like their hangovers are getting worse with every passing year?
• Does anyone else wonder why all those people who updated their Facebook status to “___ is moving to another country” after the election ARE STILL HERE? (Nothing annoys me more than people being casually unpatriotic. Mandi thinks you should get a life and grow a brain. There’s a status update for ya.)
• Does anyone else want to pull over and ask the road construction crews when the interstate will be fixed already?
• Does anyone else save stories they were going to tell their friends and instead say, “I’ll put it on my blog – you can read it there.”
• Does anyone else think that shopping on Black Friday is too much effort? (I don’t even get up that early for work, you know?)
• Does anyone else live with someone who insists on having a real Christmas tree, but doesn’t insist on vacuuming the mess it makes?
• Does anyone else need a massage?
• Does anyone else wish that their birthday would remain far, far away?
• Does anyone else think that Brad Pitt looks a little creepy these days? (Everyone Angelina dates/marries/whathaveyou ends up looking creepy. I’m convinced it’s a curse God puts on them for being with someone so flawlessly beautiful.)
• Does anyone else have as much disgust with their college football team of choice as I do?

First things first. A very belated shout out to my dear friend Anna Beth, who celebrated her birthday at the end of October and got no love from The Tightrope. Sorry for that Abs, “you know I love you more than my luggage.”

Staci D. turns the big 2-9 today, and I have to say that I’m glad she gets there before I do. Happy Birthday, pretty lady!

Also, my most fun and sweetest cousin/big sis, Allison, celebrates her birthday tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

My angel of a dog, Wallace, is pretty much like my child. No, not pretty much…he is my child. You can roll your eyes if you want to, but I’m pretty sure I love my dog as much as you love your kid (if you have one, that is).

My friend Meigs once told me that I was “that mom” when it comes to him, and I was offended. But truth be told…I am. I measure his food so he gets just the right amount, never allow him people food, give him a specific number of treats a day, make him take vitamins, only walk him on a leash, let him sleep in the bed with me, ride in the car with me, and wear monogrammed clothing. The dog has no clue he’s a dog.

That is why this Sunday, when he decided to run off with two of his doggie friends…I became a crazy person. He was on his runner when his collar snapped and he realized he was “free.” Since he is named for Scotland’s William Wallace I just giggled out loud imagining him saying to his friends, “They’ll never take…OUR FREEDOM!” Anyway, I couldn’t catch him (and never saw the other dogs with him) – but I went chasing after him in the woods nonetheless. And, it should be pointed out that I do not “do” woods. Ever. I don’t like to camp, I don’t like snakes, I don’t like extreme weather, this list could go on and on, so I’ll stop. Point being, I am not outdoorsy. So, I’m searching and yelling and looking – but he’s nowhere in sight. My sister-in-law walks down to the house to tell us that her dogs are missing, too. Ah ha, a planned escape. Those little brats.

Now, I’ve mentioned several times that I live in a small town, but I’m not so sure I’ve mentioned where in a small town. There are acres of woods (with hunters who have guns in them), open fields, donkeys, ostriches, and of course, a highway nearby. Panicked does not even begin to describe me. Hysterical comes close – along with blubbering psychotic person.

For several hours, we looked. My family came to help. They brought their dogs to try and “sniff” him out. It seemed hopeless. I was not to be deterred, though. I was finding my dog, even if that meant freezing to death in the godforsaken woods of Georgia. I would not listen to negativity. Sure, it didn’t look good – he was lost in the woods with no collar and no survival skills. Seriously, Wallace would see a coyote and think, “Hi there! Where’s your shirt with initials on it?” Maybe it is my eternal optimism, or maybe it was that if I thought for a second he wouldn’t be home at dark I would burst into tears…but I just knew we could find him. Wrong.

Hours after he took off on what will now be known as “The Adventure in The Pines,” he found me. I was on my way back to our house, tears rolling again, when I heard a commotion behind me. When I turned around, I saw a little white dog flying towards me with his ears back and a smile on his face. (That’s right, he smiles.) I scooped him up and have struggled to let go of him since. His “gang members” were behind him – and returned safely to their home, never to visit ours again. They were all exhausted, as if they’d walked for miles. It leaves me wondering what they did, in fact, do. Did they chase other animals? Did they run and play with each other? Did they just sit around nearby watching and laughing at our search?

I guess I’ll never know, but this morning when WW was on his runner – he began barking towards my sister-in-law’s house, and her dog proceeded to return barks. I’m certain they’re planning another adventure, but I’ve got news for them: I’ve discovered the doggie harness. That’s right, my dog is staying right where I can see him. Forever.

On a serious note, if you have a dog and keep it on a runner, please look into getting him/her a harness. Collars can choke your dog or snap off of them. We were lucky to find our beloved pet, but this could’ve easily ended badly. A harness is a simple solution – tell other pet owners!

From time to time, I decide to check out my horoscope for the day. Here’s what the New York Post told me:

November 20, 2008
A new solar year begins for you tomorrow when the Sun moves into your sign. Today though you will be scampering around trying to bring to a conclusion various matters that have dragged on a bit too long. Are they really worth the effort? Probably not. Let them go.

Amen, sister, aaaaaaaaaaaaamen.

You know what I don’t get?
Bank robberies. No one ever gets away with them, yet, people still go ahead and give it a whirl. Just yesterday, 3 banks in our area were robbed. Now, I’m not certain as to when bank robberies began, but in my mind (oh Lordy) they started during the Wild West days. And maybe back then, you could pull it off. There were no armed security guards, security cameras, dye that explodes on the money, etc. But, it’s a new day, robbers, and you people need to get with it. It’s not a good idea, you will get caught, and people will talk about or blog about how moronic you are.

Also, pirates. What does a pirate do, exactly? Do they wear eye patches, drink rum and have parrots on their boat – or is that just in movies? Are they part of a union? What’s their health care like? I mean really, lots of little kids might watch Pirates of the Caribbean and say, “I want to be a pirate when I grow up!” (And who can blame them because Johnny Depp is extraordinarily adorable as Captain Jack Sparrow.) However, they don’t actually do it. They grow up and get a REAL job, because robbing a Saudi oil tanker will do nothing but get you in trouble. People don’t ___ around when it comes to oil.

Lastly, bailouts. If I don’t pay my taxes/rent/car payment/credit card bill/doctor’s bill/fillintheblankhere, NO ONE BAILS ME OUT. I know, I know, it’s for the good of the economy, blah freakin’ blah. But couldn’t we argue that people staying in their homes (not being foreclosed on) and not ending up on the street is good for the economy?