No You Were Not Born That Way

15 Feb

I have never hidden my disdain for Lady Gaga, so it shouldn’t come as a shock to you that I think she’s full of shit. (Yes, mom, sometimes curse words are necessary to make a point.)

That egg, excuse me, “embryo” she showed up in at the Grammy’s took me over the edge, people.

Stefani Joanne (yep, that’s her birth name), we all know that you used to be totally normal but started acting like a total buffoon when your music career wasn’t taking off. And, while the bloody-faced performances and meat dresses were entertaining for a while – now you’re just an obnoxious fake.

Here’s the thing: Your music is catchy. People are going to buy it whether you wear a leotard as an outfit…or not. Believe me when I say that you might actually get more attention if you started dressing normally. After this egg thing, I’m not sure you have many more options. What’s next? Showing up inside a live animal and having someone surgically remove you on stage?

Sadly, I bet her staff has tossed that one around a few times.

Does Anyone Else?

11 Feb
  • Does anyone else feel like even looking at a bathing suit is out of the question right now?
  • Does anyone else have neighbors who feed them dinner? (I’m never moving.)
  • Does anyone else claim to loathe leggings as pants but secretly wish they could pull that off?
  • Does anyone else think Jennifer Hudson is the opposite of a good actress? (I know she won an Oscar, and I know she’s a wonderful singer who has been through hell and back, but I’m just sayin‘. Did you see Sex and the City the movie? Have you seen those Weight Watchers Commercials? I rest my case.)
  • Does anyone else own an iPhone (well, work gave it to me) and not know how to work it?
  • Does anyone else feel like they’ve accomplished something major when they straighten their hair in the morning?
  • Does anyone else want to go to NYC and stalk Regis with me?
  • Does anyone else think they would be more productive if they could wear pajamas to work?
  • Does anyone else think those Jersey Shore kids look like washed up 45-year-olds?
  • Does anyone else share their bed with a greedy dog? (He is 18 pounds and takes up 3/4 of the surface area.)
  • Does anyone else dream about what they would do if they won the lottery, but not play the lottery?
  • Does anyone else have a friend who got engaged this week? (Congratulations, Staci!)
  • Does anyone else have an artist alert for Luther Vandross?

Funny Stuff Other People Said

9 Feb

Text message from my mom
I just drank one of those 5 hour energy drinks. I am still waiting on the burst of energy or to die.

Gchatter
Friend: Her eyes are a little too close to her nose.
Me: Thanks for harshly judging her physical features. You are a good friend.

A friend’s Facebook status update
Talk me out of buying one of those cool tablets (i.e Ipad, Xoom) that everyone has. I’d more than likely end up only using it to play games, and to pretend I’m talking to people on a giant oversized cellphone.

Conversation with a work colleague
Me: Lindsay Lohan looked like a hot mess in that courtroom.
Ashley: Agreed. Instead of stealing that necklace, she should’ve stolen some Clairol Nice ‘n Easy.

Water Cooler Talk

8 Feb

The buzz around our office yesterday was, of course, about the Super Bowl. The National Anthem goof, the commercials, the half-time show – by the end of the day I was Super Bowled out.

Today, however, I’m not quite as “over it” so I thought I’d share my thoughts. You know, because I can tell you are on the edge of your seat and all.

A#1 (As Cecilia would say): Christina not only needed a new weave, but homegirl also needed a teleprompter. I mean, isn’t she a professional singer? Doesn’t she, like, do this for a living? I lack sympathy for anyone above the age of 15 who goofs our National Anthem.

B#2: The commercials. I saw many that I didn’t care for, but many that I did. The Bridgestone “Carma” commercial? Funny. The Volkswagen “The Force” one? Precious. Chrysler’s “Imported From Detroit” commercial? Amazing. And, while I didn’t care for the Doritos “Pug” commercial, I did like the Doritos “Best Part” one.

C#3: The Black Eyed Peas have gotten a lot of negative press about the halftime show. But, you know what? It was fun, it was entertaining and more importantly, it wasn’t Bono (insert yawn). So the sound quality wasn’t all that great. Welcome to 2011, where auto-tune has us all fooled that pop artists can actually sing. Lay off the Peas, people. At least they remembered the lyrics.

My Mom The Teacher

3 Feb

My mother is a wonderful woman. In addition to being the world’s best mom, her occupation for over 30 years has been that of a school teacher. School teachers, for the most part, get a bum wrap. And, from time to time, I have been known to participate in the “Stop your whining because you get a whole lot of paid time off,” chatter, but to be quite honest – they deserve time off. And, they deserve better pay. And, most importantly, they deserve the same respect as doctors, nurses, police officers, etc.

Teachers are underappreciated in our society, and it’s such a shame. Other than our parents, teachers are the most influential and inspiring people we come into contact with as youngsters. They help shape who we are, and what we know. It’s a big job.

A big job that my mother has held for over 30 years – in both the private school and public school systems. She’s been at the public elementary school where she is now for more than 20 years, and she has taught first grade for almost all of those years. For those of you who don’t have a first grade teacher as a mother, first grade is a tough year for kids. It’s when they learn to read, among many other things. So, my mom has literally taught hundreds of children how to read. It takes perseverance, talent and prayer to do that.

My mother would never acknowledge that she is a gifted teacher, but she is. She has never applied for a “Teacher of the Year Award” (or any other awards) despite many attempts by others to nominate her. She wants no recognition for the work she has done, the children she has inspired, the passion that she has passed on. She is humble to a fault (in my opinion – we all know I’ll toot my horn every chance I get!), and for that reason she’ll never have a framed certificate from the Board of Education that says she was “the best” teacher in her school. What she will have, though, are the countless letters from parents who wanted to say “thank you” for being good at her job. She’ll have the pictures first graders drew for her that say, “I love you!” or “My favorite teacher!” She’ll have the “teacher appreciation” gifts given to her with pride by the kids at Christmas, or at the end of the school year. She’ll also have the many memories and funny stories of the not-so-well-behaved children…many of who turned out to be her “teacher’s pet” after all.

This week, my mom made the decision to retire at the end of this school year. With a new grandbaby to dote on, and afternoon naps to finally be taken, it should have been an easy decision for her to make, but it was not. I watched her go through anxiety, excitement and sadness while making her difficult decision. I know how much she will miss the school, her co-workers, the students (and yes, probably the bigger paycheck!) – and how much they will miss her, too. But, I’m excited for this new chapter in my mom’s life. She will have more time to do…whatever she wants to do! She’s given most of her life to teaching. It’s time for her to sit back, have a drink, pat herself on the back and say, “I did one hell of a job.”

I found this quote about teachers that couldn’t be more true: “The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.” ~William A. Ward

To 30+ years of inspiration. Not too shabby, Mama.

Only 98% Effective

1 Feb

It’s as if I got pregnant while on birth control. Only I didn’t. (Sorry, mom. I bet you just about had a stroke.)

My laptop has contracted a virus. How did this happen? I purchased 3 years of virus protection. 3 years! I did the suggested scans! I’ve only had the computer for a month! I didn’t visit any sketchy websites! I was vigilant!

Yet, I still got “it.” The computer tech guy (Robert) told me that my McAfee virus protection was 98% effective, but sometimes these things happen. I told Robert I think that should be more readily advertised, like on condoms or birth control packages.

Abstinence y’all…I guess it’s the only way to protect yourself.

After My Small Town Hickville Little Heart

31 Jan

It appears as though both Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow are after my small-town hickville-little-heart.

Here’s Annie in a sequin get-up at the Golden Globes. Sequins and puff sleeves? I (and Loretta Lynn) approve.

Here’s Gwynie P. as the ill-fated Kelly Cantor in Country Strong. The guitar, the outfit, the little boy in a cowboy hat? I (and Dolly Parton) approve.

Rants

28 Jan

Comcast Rant
My cable went out at the most inopportune time last night. During, wait for it…The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Collagen-injected-to-the-max Taylor was mid-sentence when my screen went black. I, of course, simultaneously leapt off the couch to reboot my cable box and dialed the 800 number to get assistance. The reboot failed, and the automated voice at the other end of the Comcast “help line” told me that due to heavy call volume, I would need to try my call again later.

Name Change Rant
When I changed my name back in late 2007, I (of course) thought it would be for good. As you are all aware, that didn’t happen, so I went back to my roots (aka, maiden name) in early 2009. In 2011, I continue to battle with insurance companies, banks, service providers, etc. about my name being listed incorrectly. And, I know it probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to you, but some days (not always), I see that old last name and I go into what can only be described as a curse word fueled rampage.

A Letter

28 Jan

Dear TLC (The Learning Channel, not the R&B group),
Over the years, you have brought much entertainment and enjoyment into my living room. I would like to thank you for shows such as: Say Yes to the Dress, John and Kate + 8, Sister Wives, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, and of course, you’re shining star, Toddlers & Tiaras.

I do, however, feel that you’ve taken things a little too far with your latest addition, My Strange Addiction. While I’m aware that there are people in the world who eat couch cushions or laundry detergent, or pull out their hair, or pick their scabs and eat them…that does not mean that I care to watch it. I mean, I have tried very hard not to judge these people, but when you showed the preview for the guy who has a “relationship” with his synthetic girlfriend (“The sex is amazing,” he said.) I gave up. Seriously, TLC. Where the hell are you finding these people?

Strange addictions should be kept between the addict and their therapist, if you ask me. Please get back to your regularly scheduled programming of 4-year-old diva breakdowns and women with 26 children. Thanks.

Love,
M

The State Of The Union Is Boring

27 Jan

Well, come on. You know it’s true. They always are.

Really and truly – I always have such good intentions when the State of the Union begins. When they announce, “The President of the United States” I get pumped. I’m ready to listen to words of the speech writers, ready to hear the applause, see the invited guests, make fun of the bad ties, etc. And then…it gets mind numbingly boring and I start to browse the world wide web. Every time. Every single time.