A Feast Indeed

21 Nov

Any day that it’s expected for you to eat so much you can’t move is fine by me.  In our family, we encourage it by having more food than you’ll find at a chinese buffet. 

In talking to my co-workers about what they’ll eat on Thanksgiving, I realized that my mom, as usual, takes it to a whole ‘nother level.  Below is a list of the things we’ll be eating come tomorrow.

  • Stuffed celery (if you don’t know, you better ask somebody)
  • Deviled eggs
  • Congealed Salad
  • Broccoli Casserole
  • English Pea Casserole
  • Sweet Potato Casserole
  • Pineapple Casserole
  • Squash Casserole
  • Brown Rice
  • Plain Rice
  • Rolls
  • Dressing
  • Turkey
  • Ham
  • Butter Beans
  • Macaroni & Cheese
  • Pumpkin Pie with homemade whipped cream
  • Pecan Pie
  • Coconut Cake

So how many of us are there?  Oh, 8.  And one of those is a 2 year old.  Not a single dish above isn’t made from scratch, so by the time we sit down to eat…my mom is only thankful for wine, doesn’t eat much at all, and goes to bed at 7.

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Is It Just Me?

19 Nov

Is it just me, or is Christina Aguilera looking a lot like the white Nicki Minaj these days?

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And, I’m all about some curves, but again: Is it just me, or did Ms. Aguilera eat all of the remaining twinkies in the US before her debut at the American Music Awards last night?

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Quite A Fitting Book Title

15 Nov

This week’s scandal involving General Petraeus’ resignation as Director of the CIA has me loving the nightly news again.  Anything that makes the news more like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is alright by me.

For those of you who aren’t following the drama, I’m about to break it down for you.  You’re welcome, in advance.

It all begins with these two Army-men groupies.  Both brunette, both a little masculine looking, both in their early 40’s (at least they look like they are), both married with kids.  One of them hails from North Carolina and the other is from Florida.  What went down:  North Carolina lady emails Florida girl from an anonymous email account, allegedly threatening her.  Florida girl has this friend in the FBI, so she asks him if he can determine who the emails came from.  And, since he’s in the FBI…of course he can.  (I’m married to an investigator, so trust me – they are the ultimate snoops. In a good way.)  So, FBI dude finds out that it’s North Carolina lady who’s been sending the emails, and that NC lady is the same person who recently authored a biography on Petraeus.  A larger investigation is launched, and they determine that NC lady is having an affair with the General.  I guess when she titled her book, “All In” she was being literal.  Gross.

Anyhow, Petraeus resigns and the scandal breaks.  End of story?  Of course not!  It turns out Florida girl has been emailing another high profile General, and he’s been responding.  “Inappropriate emails” have been sent between the two.  Yikes.  Scandal over?  Not a chance.  Remember FBI dude?  Well, he’s being investigated and was placed on temporary leave because he’s been sending shirtless photos to none other than…Florida girl.

I, for one, am enjoying every minute of this tawdry and tangled web of scandal.  And, I’m going to go ahead and call this one here and now – Florida girl will write a book and make a fortune telling her side of the story.  And, who knows?  Maybe she’ll call it, “All In: A slutty girl’s guide to being married and having two men on the side.”

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My Very Own “Pretty Woman” Moment

11 Nov

After a hiatus almost as long as Britney Spears took after that unfortunate year when she was hospitalized (ugh, the shaved head, Kevin Federline, no bathing years – can I get a witness?), The Tightrope is back with a new look that makes me feel like I’ve had my very own makeover (cue the scene from Pretty Woman).

Speaking of Brit-Brit, I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but she’s gone and redeemed herself on the XFactor this season.  Sure, she looks a little haggard, but come on – she’s come a long was since 2007.  Haven’t we all?

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Somewhere An IT Nerd Is Laughing

8 May
I don’t care who you are, when you see an inappropriate security code…your day gets better.

In The Made For TV Movie About Our Lives

19 Apr

Growing up, I watched a great deal of made-for-tv movies.  Why?  I’m not sure exactly, but it could have had something to do with the fact that we didn’t have cable at my house.  Not because we didn’t want to pay for the service, but because the cable companies didn’t run cable “that far out” in the country.  We did eventually have one of those huge satellite dishes (where some channels were scrambled but you could catch glimpses of what was going on), but for the most part, we had 3 channel options.  So, made-for-tv movies were often the only thing available to watch.  And then came cable and the Lifetime Network – and I don’t care who you are (macho or not), if you find yourself 5 minutes into a Lifetime movie, you are stuck there for the next two hours.  Whether you want to be or not.  (Man who married 6 women and each of them thought they were the only one? Serial killer after babysitters?  A teen who kills to be in a sorority?  Hooked, hooked, hooked.)

So last night, when my good friend Anna Beth texted me, it was just one more reminder that she and I share a brain.
 
Anna Beth: In the made-for-tv movie about our lives, you will be played by Rachel Bilson.
Me:  Hahaha!  Love it.
Anna Beth:  I will be played by Ricki Lake.
Me:  No you won’t.  Stupe.  You will be played by Katherine Heigl.  I’ll end up being played by someone tragic, like Tracy Gold.
Anna Beth:  Maybe Elizabeth Berkley will be available to play me.
Me:  I’m sure she can take a break from porn to do that.  If so, I want Shannen Doherty to play me.
Rest assured, if anything happens in our lives that merit a made-for-tv movie, I will not allow a washed up celeb to “play” Anna Beth.  I will definitely hold out for the award winning actress who is looking for a quick and easy paycheck.  (Ahem, I’m talking to you, Holly Berry.)

Stuff My Mom Says

15 Mar

My mom took my niece Haley to Lowe’s yesterday.  I don’t go to Lowe’s, partly because I don’t “do” home improvement stores but mainly because my friend Anna Beth works for The Home Depot (not like, in the paint department, at the headquarters in accounting) and she would murder me if I entered the “L” store.  That’s not an exaggeration.  If she ever saw proof of me choosing Lowe’s over Home Depot…I would sleep with one eye open.  I like her loyalty.  Fiercely loyal people are my cup of tea.

Anyhow, my mom was buying flowers at that store, and she had Haley-bug with her.  I called to see how her day was going and she proceeded to describe Haley’s outfit and tell me how adorable she looked.  I asked her to send me a photo of her in the buggy (in the south we say “buggy” not cart) when she could.  I started to tell her goodbye, so she could take a photo and send it, and she told me to hold on.  I could hear her fumbling around and then, exasperated, she proceeded to ask her grandchild (the baby who can’t make sentences yet) what she did with her cell phone.  “Where is it, Haley?  What did grandma do with her phone?”  
I almost ran off the road laughing when I said, “You’re talking on it, mama.”  Her response, “Ooooooooh.  I guess I am.”

Never Say Never

8 Mar

I think I said a time or 2,000 that I would never change my name again.  Well, I lied.

I’ve been putting off the trip to the Social Security office because, as someone pointed out earlier today, that place smells like people.  And people stink.  They either:  a) don’t bathe often enough or b) wear a gallon of cologne.  Neither is ideal.

Today, as I sat with my number (S76), I looked around at all the people there at 1:20 in the afternoon.  What are all of these people doing?  Have you ever thought about that?  It’s not like the Social Security office is busier at certain times of the year – it’s always slammed.  What the heck is everyone doing there?  (I guess there’s a possibility that the females are like me and change their name all the time, but there are far more men there than women.)  And, why do they feel the need to sit down in a row, then get up, then sit back down on the same row again?  Furthermore, when did these offices become so high tech?  My technologically challenged dad would not be able to handle it.  You walk in, use a touch screen menu and out pops a number.  The screen tells you to take a seat and wait for your number to be called.  No person talks to you at all.  You wait, on average, for 20-30 minutes and then a loudspeaker calls your number and directs you to a window.  (My window was F, as in Frank.  And yes, they said that.  I was thinking another f-word would have been more appropriate, but I digress.)

After I answered a few questions (from an actual human at Window F) and provided my marriage certificate, I was one step closer to having a new Social Security card.  The lady did feel the need to remind me, however, that you can only request 10 copies of your SS card in your lifetime…but that name changes didn’t count towards that.  (Was that a dig, cubicle lady?)

During my lunch break at the SS office, I came into contact with bad attitudes, confusion, bad fashion, and a whiff of alcohol.  If I ever have to go back there, I’m taking a cue from the guy who drank hard liquor beforehand.  Because pre-gaming before a visit to the Social Security office* is genius.

*As long as you don’t drive yourself.  Keep it legal, folks.

Sunday Night Science Experiments

6 Mar
Standing brooms have been all the rage on Facebook recently.  I finally decided to give it a go, and these were my results (I didn’t even have to try to balance it – just plopped it on the floor and it balanced):
Text messaging with my mom:
Me:  My broom stands up.  What about yours?
Mom:  How?
Me:  Something about the way the planets are aligned and the gravitational pull…or something like that.  I saw it on Facebook so I tried it.  It worked!  Scott walked in the kitchen and there it was, standing up.  He thinks I’m crazy.
Me:  Try yours.  God, I’m just like you.
Mom:  I do not own a broom.
Me:  Hahaha.  Maybe we aren’t as alike as I thought.  That, or my dogs shed more.

All’s Well That Ends Well

2 Mar
How the day was going:
I woke up to a heck of a storm that shook our entire house at one point.
My ankle gave out on my way into the office.
That caused me to spill coffee on my handbag.
I ate four bites of chicken salad for lunch at 3:00.
So, I developed headache.
I got a super annoying personal email.
I dealt with challenging clients.
My nail polish chipped.
I had to rush home so I could work a volunteer shift from 6-9.
For the second night in a row.
But then:
My husband had spaghetti made when I got home from work!
Our dogs wagged their tails and licked me when I walked in!
I changed out of my heels!
My friends were volunteering with me!
I laughed until my sides hurt (and drank 2 beers) at my volunteer shift!
Ryan Adams was playing on my radio!
I came home to my best friend!
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